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05/30/2004 Entry: "Yay For Dynamo"

Even if you don't follow soccer at all, anyone walking around the Neustadt today should be well aware that Dynamo won today after a very exciting game. Now, lads in the yellow scarves:

it's after ten. That was really cute when you guys ran out in the middle of the street and started bangning on the windows of the streetcar with your fists in the middle of busy Königsbrückerstrasse. And you all have wonderful singing voices. Y'all should start a Männerchor! But really. It's getting late and it's time to taper off the beer drinking and all-male revellry before someone gets hurt.

And dear Dresden Monarchs,

We are really proud to have a pro American football team in our little town! I remember meeting a few of you guys (yes, from stateside!) some years back at that chic Keith Harring party, and I must say y'all were real princes. But really, your slogan "football is sex baby"? It stinks.

Sure, I can even imagine how that one came into being. I bet one of the American athletes exclaimed that one day in the locker room or at a party, and surely all the Germans in the room were swept up excitedly in what they believed to be red-blooded all-American swaggering bravado. And a slogan was born.
Marketing-wise, not necessarily a bad choice for an international crowd. Even if you don't understand any English you'll get it. Everyone knows what these mean: football. Sex. Baby. And "is" ain't so hard to figure out.

But with all due respect, this is not American-spirited bravado. It's jock homo. Don't misunderstand me: I'm not talking about people who are really gay--there's nothing wrong about that. I'm talking about the inevitably weird chemistry you get from a bunch of energetic (albeit straight) guys and work 'em like horses and then pack them in a stinking lockerroom together day-after-day.
Case in point: these highschool wrestlers. Another: drumline.
Or:
At my university we didn't have a football team, but some genius thought it a good idea to put all freshman baseball jocks on the first floor, and all freshman musicians on the third. The jocks on first called the guys on third a bunch of "fags".
On the third floor, in one room were two kids listening to Christian music. In the next room, two kids were smoking pot and listening to jazz. In the third room was a Christian music lover who also smoked pot. Then there was the room where Ian and I were listening to jazz, and Ian was not smoking pot and I was not listening to Christian rock. And then came those two guys with the pot and the jazz, then next door lived Criss Cheatham, then the R.A., then Christian rock kids. Then the shower room. Then start again from the top. You know, a bunch of fags.
And on the first floor, in the first room was a coupla jocks. In the second room were also a coupla jocks. In the third room a coupla jocks who smoked weed. In the fourth room a coupla jocks. Then the RA, then some jocks, then some more jocks. Et cetera. And if you should take a peek down that first floor hall you'd see: a bunch o' stocky guys walking around in their underrooters or just a towel. They's shave each other's heads. They gave each other massages. They waved their willies at each other and pinched each other's nipples. If you walked down their hall waving a freakflag, or having dyed hair, they'd call you a fag, though. But I digress....

Sooooo, coming back to the Monarchs. Lads, y'all are great. But the slogan sounds gay. I don't care what they might think over here, but you guys know and I know damn well what our folks back home would instantly think if they saw that slogan! Shudder.

As for our own Dresdner rugby team, the Dresden Hillbillies: The name is colorful, and poignantly unfitting. Maybe if Dresden was the center of New Jersey...
But your slogan: "no SEX, but it's still dirty", well.......